Any good jokes?

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chrisbd

Forum GOD!
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George Bush with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time.

"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

Shavebadger

Forum GOD!
Two pineapples were walking down the road, ones says to the other,

"so Fred weve been friends for a few years now where do you live?"

The other one replies "I'm not telling you that you'll steal my washing"
 

Uncle Bertie

Forum GOD!
If you thought that one was bad....

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can get two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean!!..
 

Wayne

Forum Sod
Oh we are doing them then are we?
Two Tigers are walking down the front at Blackpool on a Bank holiday Monday.
One says to the other Quiet today aint it Fred?
 
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher... I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.....
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 euros a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 euros a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
 

les24preludes

Forum GOD!
Dear Abby

I’m an Airman stationed at Lackland AFB. My parents live in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel; however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. Of course, I want to be totally honest with her, so, my problem is this: should I tell her about my cousin who is a jazz musician?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
 

ManicDee

póg mo thóin
A Irish couple, an English couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
The Irish husband says to his wife "pass the honey, honey."
The English man says to his wife "Pass the sugar, sweety."
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife "pass the bacon you fat fecking pig".
 

les24preludes

Forum GOD!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter....

The man at the counter asked the older boy,
"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not really, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother here. He's four. He saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim and ride a bike, and right now he can't do either."
 
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